Susan Writes

“Why was the Energizer bunny arrested?” I asked. My teenage Grand didn’t even guess; he shook his head and held his hands palms up.  “He was charged with battery!” 

            My Grand dropped his chin and closed his eyes.  “You get it, right?” I asked.  He nodded and looked at me with no expression.  His responses were exactly as I’d expected; not everyone appreciates jokes known as groaners. 

            Why did the puppy jump into the pool?  He was a hot dog.

            The other day I held the door open for a clown. It was a nice jester.

            How do you clean a tuba?  With a tuba toothpaste.

            I put my grandma on speed dial.  I call that Instagram.

            Thank you to my friend Brad Gran for sharing these and many other groaners.  Brad must have an unlimited source because almost every week he responds to an informative and inspiring Sunday school email with a list of jokes, and he granted me permission to share them with you.

            We need groaners. Questions with obvious answers and puns that make plays on words.  One-liners that make us think twice.  As a kid, I knew these jokes as corny, a term that describes anything overused or obvious, as simple as the corn we country folk shelled to feed to pigs. 

            Groaners cover many subjects. A pessimist’s blood type is always B negative. Every calendar’s days are numbered.  I’ve been to the dentist many times so I know the drill.  A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.  Everyone thinks my runny nose is funny, but it’s snot. (That’s a good one for my young Grands.)

            Stand-up comedians have perfected the art of delivering groaners: serious dead-pan facial expressions, monotone voices, and patience to wait for delayed responses.  Groaners are also known as Dad jokes.  Maybe because dads master a comedian’s delivery, and children often think their dads are silly.  

            Your fingers have fingertips, but your toes don’t have toetips.  Yet, you can tiptoe, but you can’t tipfinger.   If lawyers are disbarred and clerygymen defrocked, then doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If money doesn’t grow on trees, why does every bank have so many branches?

            A twist on the definitions of words brings moans and groans. Pasteurize:  too far to see. Acre:  someone that aches.  Thesaurus: a dinosaur that studies words.  Professor:  the opposite of confessor.   Tooth: the ordinal number of two.  Infantry:  a small, young tree.

            I search for groaner riddles to share with my young Grands.  During a FaceTime visit with a six-year-old Grand, she asked twice for just one more.   What did one marshmallow say to the other?  I want s’more time with you! What goes up and down and never moves?  A staircase.

            Young Grands laugh quicker than teenage Grands, but I’m not giving up.  Eventually teenagers regain their sense of humor, and groaners will be around forever.  

Filed under: Everyday Life | Tagged: groaner, moaner |