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Woman Battles Pests

imagesI hate dandelions and TV commercials and flies.  I attack dandelions with vengeance.  I push a tool – one that looks like a long screwdriver and has two sharp points on the end – down beside dandelions and dig up the roots.  Now I know when dandelions seed, they’re fun for kids to blow and watch the feather-light seeds float in the air.  But not in my yard.

TV commercials are easy to avoid.  I record my favorite programs so I can fast forward through commercials.  The faster, the better.  And if I watch TV in real time, I hit the mute button during commercials. That leads to some creative thinking.  During a commercial for a laxative, a pair of red, spike-heeled, ladies shoes danced across the screen.  What’s the connection?

And then there are flies.  Like the one that buzzed over my head as I lay in bed ready to sleep.  And then it flew around the lamp on my bedside table.  I marked my place in the book I was reading and rolled up a magazine.  From my reclining position, I swatted the magazine every time Pesky Fly flew within arm’s reach.  Swatted left to right.  Forward and backward.  He won round one.  This was no ordinary housefly – maybe a horse fly.

I got out of bed and tromped to the utility room to get the fly swatter.  Pesky must have heard me coming back to the bedroom.  He was nowhere to be seen or heard as I stood in the middle of the bedroom with my weapon raised.  “Where’d he go?”  I asked Husband.  He shook his head and continued to read his espionage thriller book.  I climbed back in bed, read one page of my book, and heard the buzz coming from the lamp.  Do flies get energy when they circle light bulbs?  I threw off the covers, turned off the lamp, grabbed my fly swatter, and gave Husband instructions.  “Turn off your light.  I want that fly in the bathroom.”

Pesky followed me.  He buzzed past my head and near the brightly lit ceiling light.  I didn’t want a red bloodstain on the ceiling so I stood, fly swatter in hand, and waited.  He flew.  I swatted the air as he flew.  I swatted the vanity beside the sink.  I swatted high and low.  And then silence.  No sound or sight of Pesky.  I waited a minute or so.  Guess I’d unknowingly won the fight.

When I opened the bathroom door, Pesky flew over my shoulder into the bedroom.  Husband had turned on his bedside light and held his book in hand.  Pesky buzzed from one side of the room to the other, barely missing my head.  “I hate dandelions and TV commercials and flies!”  I said.  “It’s your turn!  I give up.”

By the time I settled under the bed covers and found the page in my book where I’d stopped reading, Husband swatted once and said, “Got him.  You must have worn him down.”  Yep, I’m sure that’s what happened.

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